Even Snooki can’t save reality TV

With the job market at an all-time low and tuition prices through the roof, it seems everyone is at a loss as to a solution. We have finally hit rock-bottom in our existence; it has become more fiscally responsible to create your own reality TV show than pursue a career or an education.

Just think about it, what’s the one thing that wasn’t affected by the recession, reality TV shows. Sure, it’s fun to sit back and laugh at some self-proclaiming tool call himself “The Situation,” on MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” but it’s this financial genius making the big bucks as the rest of us wonder how to get seven dollars to buy our moms a card and flowers for Mother’s Day. In his own words, “Everybody at the Shore definitely knows ‘The Situation.’ As far as I know, everybody loves ‘The Situation,’ and if you don’t love ‘The Situation,’ I’m gonna make you love ‘The Situation.’” It seems the man spoke the truth; everybody on campus finds him hilarious or at least intriguing enough to watch for an hour. Hell, even my professors know who this guy is and bring him up in lectures. However, he’s not the only one banking thousands of dollars off of our short attention spans.

One of the most obvious examples of this is MTV’s relatively new show “The Buried Life” because the cast doesn’t even attempt to hide what they’re doing. Here’s what someone can gather from the show simply by watching their intro: It’s a story about four college graduates that slipped into a deep depression once they realized how monotonous and miserable the rest of their lives were going to be. As a result of this crisis, the foursome created a bucket list of things they want to do before they die. At this point, I’m guessing that Jonnie, “the brains of the operation,” proposed the idea that, with some publicity, they might be able to make some easy cash and accomplish all of their goals simultaneously.
“But we’ll need a gimmick,” Duncan, “the problem solver,” said. “How about, for each of our completely unrealistic and irrational goals that we accomplish, we do something nice for a stranger?” This is when Ben, “the ringleader,” chimed in, “Great idea, Duncan.

We could do it in my old rundown purple bus too! But let’s make sure we have the network screen all the ‘strangers’ ahead of time so we don’t have to do too much for them. After all, this show is going to be mostly about us pursuing our dreams, right?” So then Dave, the only one with nothing to add to the group dynamic, aside from being a sarcastic schmuck and “the funniest” says, “Don’t worry Ben, the network will do that part for us. We’ll just take the credit.” The four of them laugh maniacally, pitch the idea to an executive at MTV and live happily ever after crashing weddings and sneaking into parties at the Playboy Mansion.

Typically, when I state my views on “The Buried Life” to my friends I’m accused of being cold and heartless for not being touched by the sincerity of the four role-models. After all, what does it matter how real it is? They’re helping people, right? Although the fact that “they” are actually the ones helping could be debated, it doesn’t matter if the end ultimately results in something good happening. Personally though, I just can’t get past the unfairness of helping others in comparison to helping themselves. For example, one stranger’s dream was to improve the quality of the elementary school he worked at and the solution the four geniuses thought up was buying him a better computer for his class. Just one computer for one class and they’re partying in the Playboy Mansion dressed up like Oompa Loompas.  

Unfortunately, “The Buried Life” isn’t the only show that tries to pretend it’s something it’s not. As I was channel surfing the other night, I came across another “reality”  show on MTV called “My Life as Liz.” Before I say anything about the show, I’m going to give you a description of it according to the Los Angeles Times. “[My Life as Liz] is real people, in their real environment, leading lives that are being in some way dramatized.” “Real people,” LA Times? As opposed to all those shows using fake people? And what’s this crap about a “real environment?” Maybe my high school was just out of the ordinary but we didn’t have an entire camera crew filming anyone’s day. Well guess what, Liz? I’m not buying it.
Just because you’re only friends on the show are a fat loser that failed his audition for “The Biggest Loser” and an awkward girl that probably has a suspicious obsession with Japanese anime, I’m supposed to believe you’re some hot, unpopular social outcast who managed to get her own MTV show? That’s about as unrealistic as me trying to relive my entire life via the popular PC game “The Sims,” a game where you can meet vampires at night clubs and play rock-paper-scissors with the Grim Reaper. Actually, that’s not a bad idea; I could call it “My Life as a Sim,” a show about real people, in their real environment leading lives that are being in some way virtualized.

Yes, it seems “The Situation,” I mean this situation, has forced me to get creative and think up my own reality TV shows that I might be able to make a living off of. Another idea I had is a mixture of the “The Buried Life” and the Cosmopolitan column from weeks ago. It’ll be me riding cross-country on an old and rusty purple bike applying advice from the newest Cosmopolitan magazines in an attempt to make my life better and more fulfilling.

But what’s the gimmick, you ask? I’ll fail miserably and, by the season finale, I will be in jail for sexual harassment. In fact, the entire show will be narrated by me while I’m serving my sentence in prison, just to give it that extra bit of realism so many viewers of reality TV crave. However, I have a better idea; a show about people so desperate to find an exciting reality, they look for it on television instead of getting off their ass and walking outside.
Never mind, that’d be boring.

Matt Miracle can be contacted mmiracle@keeneequinox.com.