Disney princesses always colored politically incorrect, until now

You know those overly-opinionated pricks that will stop at nothing to prove Disney is the bane of America’s existence? Well, with the release of Disney’s newest work, “The Princess and the Frog,” they can finally stop and say, “mission accomplished.” Of course, they won’t, because that would mean the only things they’d have to bitch about are the evils of consumerism and climate change. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, there’s only one thing you need to know. Disney finally had enough criticism about being a corporation consisting of a bunch of sexist, racist and perverted Nazis. As a result, they attempted to use the story of “The Princess and the Frog” as an opportunity to retort all these wild accusations and failed horribly.

Imagine making a Disney movie about Martin Luther King Jr.’s struggles but choosing to depict him as a white female named Martina Queen with a hilariously witty pet crow named Jim, and then neglecting to mention anything about racism. That’s this movie. It takes place in 1920s New Orleans and the main protagonist, Tiana, is a lower-class black female whose biggest dream in life is to run a diner. Unfortunately, she has to juggle two part-time jobs because no one will give her a loan to open the diner.

 The movie jumps through several hoops, trying to assert the reasons behind this obstacle have nothing to do with her skin color. In order to get this point across as clearly as possible, they made Tiana’s best friend a white, upper-class female. This ruins the whole idea of a financial dilemma since Tiana should just be able to get a loan from her. Anyway, Tiana finally comes up with the money for a down payment on her ideal restaurant location but, for some reason, the white bankers still won’t accept her loan application. Why, you might ask?

Well, the movie leaves this part to the viewer’s imagination, so I chose to believe the bankers held a deep and passive-aggressive grudge against Tiana for using their children to make some delicious gumbo. I’m not going to bother summarizing the entire movie but I’ll just say the film’s a lot like that guy who tries incredibly hard not to be racist and comes off as even more racist as a result.

I don’t get it; I thought Disney did a pretty good job with women’s rights when they created “Mulan” in 1998, so why were they so afraid to tackle the issue of race? It’s because, in the last 12 years, our politically correct society has deemed it inappropriate to ever point out anybody’s race.  That would mean acknowledging that humans notice physical differences like skin color and, therefore, in at least one regard, are racist.
Maybe it’s just me but I’ve always been hard-pressed to believe all my racial stereotypes stem from Whoopi Goldberg and Cheech Marin’s voice-acting of the hyenas in “The Lion King.” I suppose King Trident’s castle in “The Little Mermaid” does look like a penis but what tower doesn’t? And what’s with all these feminists convinced  every Disney princess is an attack towards women’s rights?

Belle was a strong, intelligent and beautiful woman who had the courage to protect her father from the Beast and refused to marry the town man-whore, Gaston, despite the pressure from everyone around her. Ariel wanted to travel the world and sought so desperately to escape her father’s close-minded rule that she was willing to sacrifice her own voice to do so.

Sure, an argument could be made for “Sleeping Beauty,” “Snow White” and “Cinderella,” but those stories don’t even belong to Disney; they were created more than a thousand years ago for adults and had extremely strong undertones of pedophilia, necrophilia and murder in practically every popular variation. Unless you’re an avid fan of the original “Little Mermaid,” written by Hans Christian Anderson, where things go so badly Ariel ends up committing suicide, I’d say Disney did their best in making all the stories appropriate for young audiences.

I used to always laugh at the people who chose to see their biggest enemy in life as a shirtless, talking, cartoon mouse but that was before their opinions actually affected anything. By no means was “The Princess and the Frog” a bad movie, I actually enjoyed it. But it would’ve been a lot better if all of the characters weren’t awkwardly avoiding talking about the real issue insinuated throughout the entire movie. I think rather than depicting how life was in the 1920s, the movie depicted the era of political correctness we exist in today. What people need to do is just accept the fact that no matter how hard you try, you’re not going to make everyone happy.

No matter how hard you try, there’s always going to be some prick getting off on spinning one thing into something completely different because that’s how idiots avoid talking about the real issues in modern society. With that said, I look forward to all the hate mail from all you politically correct, anti-consumerists that believe Disney is an undercover regime, hell-bent on taking over the world and brainwashing our youth.    

Matt Miracle can be contacted at mmiracle@ksc.mailcruiser.com.